A. Tait & Sons
Coping with Bereavement
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This publication has been produced with the intention of assisting you in coping with both the practical and emotional problems associated with the loss of your loved one. Bereavement is a distressing experience that all of us, encounter at sometime in our lives. Yet it is something that is talked about very little in our everyday life.
This being the case we have very little opportunity to learn about how to cope with loss. Different people react in different ways, some people get stuck in the grieving process, the information contained in this publication is designed to help with such eventualities as well as suggesting certain associations and businesses that can help with the practicalities and also help you to plan for the future.
Grieving is a natural process that can take place after any kind of loss. When a loved one passes away this can be a very overpowering emotion that has to run it's course. There are a whole succession of different feelings that can take some time to go through and must not be hurried.
Although people are all individuals, the order in which they go through these feelings is very similar.
For some hours or days after the death of someone who is close, a feeling of disbelief is common, even if the death has been expected, say after a long illness, however this feeling of emotional numbness can actually be a help in dealing with the various practical arrangements that have to be made. However this detachment from reality can become a problem if it goes on for too long.
To overcome this it can help to see the person who has died. Sometimes it's not until the actual funeral that the reality of what has happened finally sinks in.
After the feeling of numbness has gone it is often replaced by a sense of agitation and a yearning for the person who has died.
This can affect the bereaved in their everyday life, it may be difficult to relax, concentrate or even sleep properly.
Some people experience extremely disturbing dreams, others say that they actually see their loved one everywhere they go, more commonly in the places that they used to spend time together. It is also quite usual to feel angry at this time - towards doctors and medical staff for not preventing the death, towards people around them or even towards the person who has left them.
Another very common feeling is guilt. It is likely that the bereaved will go over in their mind all the things they wished that they had said or done, in some cases they may even consider what they might have done to prevent the death. Of course death is usually beyond the control of anyone, and they must be reminded of this. Guilt is often experienced if a sense of relief is felt when someone has died, particularly after a distressing illness, this feeling of relief is perfectly natural and very common and is nothing to feel guilty about.
These strong, confusing emotions are generally felt for about two weeks or so after the death and are generally followed by periods of sadness and depression.
Grief can be sparked off many months after the death by things that bring back memories. It can be difficult for other people to understand or cope with someone who bursts into tears for no apparent reason. Some people who can't deal with this tend to stay away at the time when they are needed most of all.
It is best to return to a normal life as soon as possible, try to resume normal activities. The phrase "Time is a great healer" is in most cases certainly true, however the pain of losing a loved one never entirely disappears, nor should it be expected to.
For the bereaved partner there are constant reminders of their singleness. Seeing other couples and families can make it difficult to adjust to a new single lifestyle. The different stages of mourning tend to overlap and can show themselves in various ways. There is no standard way of grieving as we, being individuals have our own way of dealing with all of life's trials not least the loss of someone we love.
Grief in Children and Adolescents
Generally children do not understand the meaning of death until they are three of four years old. When with this being the case they feel the loss of a close friend or relative in much the same way as adults. Even in infancy it is clear that children grieve and feel great distress.
Children experience the passage of time differently to adults and can therefore appear to overcome grief quite quickly.
However children in their early school years may need reassuring that they are not responsible for the death of a close relative as they often blame themselves for one reason or another.
It is important that the grief of a young person is not overlooked as they will often not want to burden parents by talking about their feelings.
For this reason they should usually be included in the funeral arrangements.
Friends and Relatives Can Help
Generally by simply spending time with the person who has been bereaved.
Being close to others can be a great source of comfort. It is not always necessary to say anything, just being there is enough.
It is important that a bereaved person is able to talk and cry with someone without being told to pull themselves together.
It can also be difficult for people to understand why the bereaved keep covering the same ground, talking and apparently becoming distressed about the same things over again, this is an important part of the healing process and should really be encouraged.
By not mentioning the name of the person who has died for fear of upsetting it can indeed lead to a sense of isolation and can add to the grief of the bereaved.
Another difficult time when friends and relatives can help is festive occasions and anniversaries, which can be particularly painful for years to come.
Practical help with domestic chores and looking after children can all lead to easing the difficulties facing the bereaved.
Elderly bereaved partners may need more practical help than most, particularly with financial arrangements - paying bills etc.
Some people hardly ever seem to grieve at all. They can avoid any mention of their loss, do not cry at the funeral and appear to return to their normal life remarkably quickly. For some people this is just their normal way of dealing with their loss and no harm occurs. However others may suffer physical illness and periods of depression for some time to come. The sense of disbelief and shock can just continue and never seem to end and they cannot think about anything else but the loss of their loved one. Both these instances are damaging and there is a number of care associations who can help with this.
In some instances, sleepless nights can go on indefinitely, which can be a serious problem. The doctor may be able to prescribe something to help with sleep.
Bereavement can turn our world upside down and is one of the most painful experiences we have to endure. In spite of this it is something that some of us go through without the need for medical attention. For those who do run into problems however, there is help available and you shouldn't hesitate to contact your family doctor.
We hope this information proves helpful we wish to stress that this publication is purely a guide. We will be pleased to help, in person, in any way we can.
No one can be cremated until the cause of death is definitely known. There are certain forms that you will be required to sign. The cost of the cremations are governed by local authorities. Ashes can be scattered in a garden of remembrance or in a favourite spot. They can be buried in a church yard or cemetery or they can be kept. Arrangements may be made for erecting a plaque but there would be a charge. We can enquire for you.
There will normally be a request for a prearranged grave space in a churchyard or cemetery.
The local Council has set fees for burials of which we will advise you.
Many churchyards are no longer open for burials because there is no space left.
If a space has been paid for in a cemetery there will be a deed of grant.
Most Orkney cemeteries have new extensions added allowing new lairs to be purchased.
The death must be registered at the local office of registration of Births, Deaths and marriages in the district where the death occurred. as soon as possible, usually within 8 days of the death unless the Registrar extends this period. If the death has been referred to the Procurator Fiscal, the procedure is slightly different, we will advise you concerning this.
Who may go and register a death
Regulations state only certain people can register a death with the Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages. Deaths in Private Residence, Hospitals, Nursing Homes, Rest Homes, etc.
A relative of the deceased, an executor, the solicitor the matron etc. All deaths occurring in Scotland must be registered within 8 days.
You should take the following: The Death Certificate. Birth Certificate 8t Marriage certificate. If Birth 8r Marriage Certificates are not available particulars required are:
1. The full name, occupation and postal address of the deceased, and his or her date and place of birth.
2. If deceased was a married man or widower or divorced, the full name of his wife or former wife; and if the deceased was a married woman or a widow or divorced, the full name and occupation of her husband or former husband. If the deceased had been married more than once, particulars of previous spouses are also required.
3. If the deceased was married at the date of death, the date of birth of the surviving widow or widower.
4. The full name and occupation of the deceased person's father, and the full name and maiden surname of the deceased's mother.
5. The name and address of the deceased's own doctor.
A Certificate for Burial or cremation (known as Form 14). Unless the Procurator Fiscal has given you an order for burial or a certificate for cremation. Which ever form you are given will be needed by the funeral director so that the funeral can be held.
A certificate of registration of Death (Green Copy) this is for Social Security purposes only. You will be able to purchase a certified Copy of An Entry Certificate which is needed for any pension claims, insurance policies, financial matters, normally one or two copies would be sufficient.
There are various people, companies and other interested parties who need to be informed of the death, and others who ought to be informed.
If the deceased lived alone then someone ought to be informed as soon as possible.
· Local social services if meals on wheels, home help, day centre transport was used.
· Any Hospital the person was attending
· The Family Doctor
· The local Inland revenue office.
· The local Social Security office to cancel pensions, allowances, benefits etc.
· Any employer or trade union.
· A child's or young persons teacher, employer of college, should be informed if a parent. brother, sister, grandparent or close friend has died.
· Car insurance company - people driving a car insured in the deceased's name are not legally insured.
· Local Offices of British Gas. Electricity, British Telecom, Royal Mail deliveries Local Newsagent.
If the deceased was receiving Housing benefit/Council tax Benefit, the local housing department, also if the deceased was living in property rented from the Council or any landlord if the deceased lived in rented accommodation.
Items such as order books and giro cheques will have to be returned to the appropriate Social Security office. Make a note of any pension book or order book numbers before you send them back.
The deceased's passport, driving license, car registration documents, membership cards and National Insurance papers must all be returned to the relevant offices.
Check for any library books that might need returning, also if there was any NHS equipment being used it will need to be returned to either the hospital or health centre from where it came.
It can be difficult enough dealing with bereavement without having to deal with the deceased's property, possessions and personal matters.
For this reason it is advisable to contact a solicitor to help with such matters, the suggested solicitors contained within this web page are there to help you overcome this difficult time.
Future financial help may be required, it is possible that you may qualify for help from the state. There is a free telephone enquiry line for Social Security - 0800 666 555.
They should be able to help with any general benefit enquiry and will give you advice on how you go about claiming. Claims forms can be obtained from both Benefit offices and the Post Office.
You should ascertain if the deceased made a will and consult the solicitor who holds it, to see what were the deceased's wishes as to the funeral. The Will also discloses the names of the executors or the persons legally entitled to deal with the deceased's estate. Your solicitor will assist you with the administration of the estate and any questions relating to taxation that may arise. If you require the services of a Solicitor, those listed below may be of assistance to you:-
Helen M. Nicholson, 6 Bridge Street Wynd, Kirkwall. KW15 1JD. Tel: 01856 872 036 Fax: 01856 870 772
J.E.P. Robertson & Son, 26 Victoria St. Stromness. KW16 3AA. Tel: 01856 850 232 Fax: 01856 851 085
We have listed several organisations used to dealing with bereavement. it can sometimes be easier to talk to a stranger on a telephone about the things you are going through than it is to talk to a person who is close to you.
THE COT DEATH TRUST
GLASGOW Tel: 0141 357 3946 74
CRUSE - BEREAVMENT CARE
74 DUNCAN ST. THURSO. Tel: 01847 894101
CRUSE HELP LINE - ORKNEY
BALFOUR HOSPITAL - KIRKWALL Tel: 01856 885 400 and MRS J HOWARD 1 RED CRECENT KIRKWALL. Tel: 01856 874 165
FOUNDATION FOR THE STUDY OF INFANT DEATHS
15 BELGRAVE SQUARE, LONDON SW1X 8QB Tel: 0171 235 1721 (Help-line) Tel: 0171 235 0965 (Switchboard)
MISCARRIAGE ASSOCIATION
18 STONYBROOK CLOSE, WEST BRETON, WAKEFIELD WF4 4TP Tel: 01924 200 799 (24hr Answerphone)
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF BEREAVEMENT SERVICES
C/O CHALTON STREET CAMDEN, LONDON NW1 1JR Tel: 0171 388 2153
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF VICTIM SUPPORT SCHEMES
CRAMNER, 39 BRIXTON ROAD, LONDON SW9 Tel: 0171 725 9166
SAMARITANS
7 RIVERSIDE PLACE, THURSO. Tel: 01847 895656
STILL BIRTH & NEONATAL DEATH SOCIETY
28 PORTLAND PLACE, LONDON, W1N 3DE Tel: 0171 436 5881
TERENCE HIGGINS TRUST
BM AIDS, LONDON WC1N 3XX
We hope this information proves helpful to you at a difficult time and we wish to stress that it is published purely as a guide. We will be pleased to help in person in any way we can.
Registration must be made in the office of the registrar in the parish of the deceased's home address.
REGISTRARS OF BIRTHS, MARRIAGES & DEATHS
Birsay: Mrs M Margetts, Cumlaquoy, Marwick, Birsay, KW17 2ND - 01856 721296
Eday & Pharay: Mrs S Kerr, Redbanks, Eday, KW17 2AA - 01857 622219
Firth & Stenness: Mr P Leith, Langbigging Cottage, Stenness, KW16 3LB - 01856 850320
Flotta: Mr D F Sinclair, Post Office, Flotta, KW16 3NP - 01856 701252
Harray: Mrs S Davies, New Breckan, Harray, KW17 2JR - 01856 771233
Holm & Paplay: Mrs K Gaudie, Netherbreck, Holm, KW17 2RY - 01856 781231
Hoy: Mrs J Thomson, Laundry House, Melsetter, Longhope, KW16 3NZ - 01856 791337
Kirkwall: Mrs P Breck, Miss V Taylor & Mrs M Margetts, Orkney Islands Council, School Place, Kirkwall, KW15 1NY - 01856 873535
North Ronaldsay: Mrs I Muir, Hooking, North Ronaldsay, KW17 2BE - 01857 633257
Orphir: Mrs C L Stevenson, The Bu', Orphir, KW17 2RD - 01856 811319
Papa Westray: Mrs J Crocker, Bewan, Papa Westray, KW17 2BU - 01857 644245
Rousay, Egilsay & Wyre: Mrs S Marwick, Brachead, Rousay, KW17 2PS - 01857 821222
Sanday: Mrs C M Elliott, Hyndhover, Sanday, KW17 2BA - 01857 600441
Sandwick: Mrs K Foubister, Lea Cottage, Sandwick, KW16 3JF - 01856 841518
Shapinsay: Mrs J Wallace, Girnigoe, Shapinsay, KW17 2EB - 01856 711256
Stromness: Miss M Ashburn. Burradale, Innertown, Stromness, KW16 3JP - 01856 850854 or 01856 851861
Stronsay: Mrs B Smith, Strynie, Stronsay, KW17 2AR - 01857 616239
South Ronaldsay & Burray: Mrs A Stevenson, West Cara, Grimness, South Ronaldsay, KW17 2TH - 01856 831509
Westray: Mr W F Brown, Myrtle Cottage, Pierowall, Westray, KW17 2DH - 01857 677278
Workshop Phone: 01856 771236
Workshop Fax: 01856 771762
Home Phone/Fax: 01856 771220
Mobile Phone: 07714 712408
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